How Can I Switch Off the World?

My head is pounding. So I go to my Notes app. Notes app again. Notes app, my best friend. It has been a significantly difficult day and week for me. As I am sure it is for many other people. Every single day last week there was some news that was not only extremely distressing, but also really stressful. I’ve been crying almost every day.. And had a tension headache everyday.

Almost like a bad omen. In my last blog post, I discussed at length the way my identity informs my writing. And how people like me constantly live in fight or flight, because everything could change in one moment. How depressing that I can be proven right so unequivocally. So quickly. The Middle East. More issues. Again and again and again and again.

Every single year I write a piece about something that’s happening. Because something always is happening. And I am affected by these things in a variety of ways. Now, close friends and family are being directly threatened by unfolding events. Others indirectly. I cannot imagine how much more stressed they must feel, having family stuck in Iran and Lebanon amidst this war. Being constantly afraid for their family’s safety. It sickens me that this type of news is normalised. Oh, here we go again.. But, this time will it affect us over here in Europe? That’s always the mentality. A severe lack of empathy. How can you empathise when you’ve been socialised not to understand, but to undermine? When you’ve been socialised to see the Middle East as a Call of Duty location?

I moved to a new flat, with a new roommate. And I couldn’t even bring myself to be jubilant. I am excited. I am. Genuinely. It’s a new stage. Yes - I don’t know what comes next after a year but for now it’s super exciting. Why am I so somber? I feel emotionally exhausted, as if a light has been turned off. Like the general distaste for what is happening has been dialled to a 100. I am doomscrolling, social media has given me a headache. Outrage over Sabrina Carpenter. Outrage over attacks that break international law. In succession. It’s not natural.

Today, I told myself it’s a new week. Yet kept hitting walls. Woke up to the astounding news that the U.S is considering putting a ban on Egyptians. Yipeedoodledoo. I would be upset by it for sure generally but now that I have close relatives there, it’s safe to say that was the last straw. Grateful that I was working from home, I cried - like a lot. Very surreal experience. It just hit me how no one is safe from this. Not really. It’s not a confirmed ban. But the fact that it’s on the table is enough for me.

So homesick. Really. This time for Egypt. My mom is visiting. A visit that I wanted to join her on, but couldn’t. That made me more upset. I could have been there. It would have made me feel so much better. Now I’m adamant on going. I’m certain I can plan this and go through with it. Tomorrow never comes - until it does. Certainly. Knowing that made me feel better. That there are things to look forward to. That I’ll always have my country. That I’m from my country. My mom ecstatically showed me the cake she was eating after I was profusely crying to her on the phone. The contrast was jarring. I am okay. They are okay. We are safe - and that’s more than a lot of people can say.

I’m also sick of people pitying, saying “awww hope ur okayy it sucks” in such a way it feels almost performative. Disingenuous. You should be outraged. I mean, I guess I don’t blame people. How are you supposed to even console this experience? You can’t. But last thing I want this week is for a white person to say “aww shucks :(“. Girl, please. If I wanted to be victimised, or receive a half-assed acknowledgment that things are bad, I just need to turn on the news. Oh - I already do that. Go ahead then I guess. Maybe it’s harsh. But you do need to acknowledge your perspective when consoling in this scenario. Just a “I can’t imagine how” or “This must be so x”. Because oftentimes, others have no idea. Not a “awww sorry”. Even I do, because I do have privilege. Much more than someone else I know who is more directly and pointedly worrying for their family’s safety.

I guess I’m urging myself and the audience to remain calm. Happy? Is too far of a stretch. Maybe content. Or okay. We can try. To support one another. Actively. I don’t want another sorry. Sorry is a word that’s stated after the fact. It’s a blameless word - it’s not agentic. It doesn’t imply or promise further action. Not to sound dystopia-coded but it is truly fear and despair that is the goal of the oppressor. We should try and find strength through this and unity. And say, we have sadly been through this before, and we can get through this again. And we will never lose our hope. It’s the only currency of worth in most of the region.

Amidst this, I’m activating my dumb phone I got as a gift - lying face down with the back open on my nightstand. I asked my friend to open the back for me because I couldn’t with my broken elbow, and now I’m waiting for my sim to arrive. So I can put it in the back before closing it. If I close it now, chances are I’ll struggle to open it myself. I hope it will help me stay away from socials. Because it truly has been poisonous as of late.

I guess the point of this post is to document. That’s been the goal of this blog anyways. This is my experience - I’m sure a lot of you reading will relate. Or at least empathise to a level - or try to if you are new to this discourse. And isn’t this the point of all this. To feel seen and understood? And to be connected as a result?